Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child...
well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested.
She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die.
I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly
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